


Not okay

by mishaismyspiritanimal



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John, Cas helps, Cas is not, Dean Winchester Has Self-Esteem Issues, Dean Winchester Has Self-Worth Issues, M/M, Sam is a jerk, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, what even is a tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-11-01 04:44:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17860535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mishaismyspiritanimal/pseuds/mishaismyspiritanimal
Summary: After Sam decides he doesn't want to be brothers anymore, Dean falls into a deep depression, but Cas is there to see him through it.Just read the Damn fic





	Not okay

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING-  
> This has graphic depictions of self-harm. Please if that is a trigger for you don't read this. I just want everyone to stay safe, and if self-harm is an issue for you, get some help, or at least tell someone. It also contains some child abuse, though not as descriptive as the self-harm.
> 
> And this does not follow cannon, this fic kinda went it's own way :)

“ If you wanna hunt together fine, we can hunt, but Dean, we can’t be brothers anymore”

Dean couldn’t be hearing his brother right. Sure he messed up, big this time, but they were  _ brothers.  _ You couldn’t just take that title away, right? 

“ Sammy-”

“ It’s  _ Sam _ ”

Dean huffed. “ Fine, _ Sam _ , You gotta be kidding, I know you’re mad, but we’re brothers, we always will be” 

Sam shook his head “ I can’t take it anymore, you’re lying, you’re making decisions and choices for me, i’m sorry, Dean, but this is how it’s gonna be from now on. We’re colleagues and nothing more”

That ladies, and gentleman, is how Dean Winchester broke. 

Dean, looked up, shaking his head, wishing the tears that brimmed his eyes away, and that worked, until Sammy- No,  _ Sam,  _ left the room. 

He wiped the tears away, he was strong. He laughed to himself, because that’s not quite true, is it? 

He was weak, dad saw it, Sam sees it, and he’ll bet his great ass that Cas sees it too. Cas, he couldn’t stand to think about Cas right now, and how Cas would never want him, because let’s face it, who would?

The last straw that day, was watching an almost emotionless Sam pack up the room that was right across the hall from Dean’s, and move his things another room, across the bunker.

Because that finalized it. 

Sam didn’t want Dean as a brother anymore. He didn’t blame him though, who would? 

Dean locked his door, and let the tears flow freely now. Curling himself up on his bed, this was his fault. 

It was too quiet, too lonely in his room, now he didn’t hear the constant typing of Sam’s keyboard from across the hall, so he plugged his headphones in and blasted the music, not caring if he went deaf. 

It hurt his ears, but physical pain was better than the pain he was feeling now, so he cranked the music up more. 

He tried really hard not to think about all this, which didn’t really turn out, because trying not to think about something is a form of thinking about it.

He was useless, unwanted, and now unloved. 

Dad knew he was useless, he told Dean so every time he had a few too many to drink, and even used his leather belt some of the time too. 

That was Dean’s fault to, he was a shitty son, a shitty brother and a shitty friend. They would be better off without him.

That thought scared him too, he hadn’t thought like that since dad moved them away from hillside high, where his high school sweetheart went. His high school sweetheart was a guy, dad wasn’t too happy when he found out.

But at the time, Sam was there to pull him out of that.  But he couldn’t kill himself, he was to much of a wimp. Dad had told him that, too. 

But then Dean had an idea. 

He rubbed his wrists, and pulled his sleeves back to glance at the now faint scars that covered his both arms up to his elbows. 

He promised himself he wouldn’t do this anymore, that he’d stop, for Sam. 

The thought brought a new wave of tears. 

So, reluctantly he got up. Because his limbs felt like lead, too heavy, and glanced down the hall to make sure Sam wasn’t there, Because God forbid Sam see him like this. Broken and weak.

He ran to the bathroom down the hall and grabbed the razor from the counter top, and some paper towels.

Once he started, he couldn’t stop. 

It was a burning pain, that he forgot he missed. 

But it wasn’t enough, he could still feel the pain and loneliness, the worthlessness ebbing away at his soul, so he cut deeper. 

He still could feel the pain. 

Deeper. 

He stopped, and closed his eyes for a few seconds, just to revel on the pain. To  _ feel.  _

He looked down at his arms through blurry eyes.

He was vaguely aware of how unhealthy this was, but when was a Winchester ever healthy? 

He wiped the blood off his arms, and counted five cuts that were still bleeding. 

He ran to the bathroom again to wash them off so blood doesn't stain his arms. They wouldn’t stop bleeding, maybe if he got in the shower, by the time he got out, they would stop, so that’s what he did. 

He watched idly as the blood dripping down his arms washed away into the drain. The heat of the water burned his cuts, but he didn’t mind, that was kinda the point.

He went to bed that night, in sweats and a shirt, long-sleeved thank you very much, feeling numb, too numb.

It was hard getting out of bed the next morning. Dean was numb, his limbs were heavy, and he really would rather stay in his room than face the outside world, face Sam’s hate for him, but he knew he had to. 

The thing was, when Dean got up, he realized that Sam wasn’t there. 

He wasn’t sure of he should be relieved until he found a not on the fridge, obviously from Sam, the handwriting was to neat for it to be anybody else’s.

Dear Dean, 

I found a Case up in New Hampshire

Vampires most likely 

I can handle it myself

-Sam

Looks like Sam really didn’t need him. Now he was useless on hunts too, great. Dean crumpled the note and threw it in the trash.

Dean was gonna make breakfast until he realized he really didn’t feel like eating. 

He had nothing to do, and usually that would kill him, but this time he was almost happy. 

He was so deep in thought as he was walking out of the kitchen he didn’t even hear the tell-tale flap of wings and slight air displacement that always accompanied Cas’s arrival. 

“ Hello, Dean” 

Dean jumped, “ Damn Cas, warn a guy” 

“ Apologies, Dean” 

It was such a  _ Cas  _ thing to say, that Dean smiled. 

Cas was sitting at the table, looking slightly guilty, but still as beautiful as ever

“ It’s fine Cas”

Dean couldn’t stay mad at Cas if he tried. He flopped down onto the chair facing Cas on the other side of the table.

“ So what’s up?” 

It was always a bit painful being around Cas. Dean was hopelessly in love with the dorky angel, he came to terms with that a long time ago, but he knew his love would never be returned. Who the hell would love Dean? And anyway, he didn’t deserve the angel, Cas deserved someone better, someone who wasn’t Dean.  So he sucked it up and smiled, digging his thumb into one of the cuts, that helped. 

“ I was bored and missed my friend”

Dean breathed, wishing away the tears that welled up in his eyes, Cas couldn’t say things like that, Cas could not get Dean’s hopes up like that, it was cruel. 

But Cas didn't know, that wasn’t his fault, it was Dean’s. 

He dug his nail deeper into the cut.

Dean was quickly finding out that he was gonna have to fake a lot of smiles. 

“ Where’s Sam?” Cas asked

Dean gulped

Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.

“ On a hunt” 

Cas eyed him suspiciously “ Shouldn’t you be with him” 

Dean shook his head “ He doesn’t want me there” 

Not gonna cry, not gonna cry, not gonna cry.

“ Why?” Cas asked innocently 

Dean abrupt shot up from the table “ It doesn’t matter” 

Dean flinched when he hit his arm where he cut himself on the table’s corner

“ You’re hurt” Cas said, reaching out to his arm

“ No” Dean snapped at Cas, pulling his arm away.

“ But Dean, I can heal you” 

Dean just shook his head, storming out of the room.

He was about to slam his door, back in his room when Cas appeared right in front of him.  Dean jumped back, cursing. 

Before Dean could step back though, Cas grabbed his arm, and Dean flinched again. 

He tried to pull away, but Damn, angels were strong. 

Cas tightened his hand on Dean’s arm to stop him from leaving.

His thumb was digging right into one of the the cuts. 

“ Cas” Dean whimpered “ that hurts”

Cas’ face quickly changed from anger to worry. 

He immediately loosened his grip.

Dean knew nothing would come out of pulling his arm away now, so he looked away as Cas gently pulled back his sleeve.  He shook his head, he was afraid if he said anything he’d break. He was afraid he’d tell Cas, and he didn’t need to burden Cas with his stupid issues. Dean wasn’t worth the worry.

When Dean met Cas’ eyes, a look of realization crossed his face, like he finally solved the puzzle of Dean Winchester.

“ You did this to yourself” It wasn’t a question

Dean caught the hand in the air that was gonna heal the cuts

“ No” Dean said softly, not meeting Cas’ eyes

“ Dean, look at me”

When Dean didn’t look, Cas let go of Dean’s arms and gently cupped his face, making Dean meet his eyes.

Dean was surprised, but leaned into the touch, it felt so nice to be comforted.

That was when Dean realized that this shouldn’t be happening, no, Cas didn’t need him, he was a burden, he would only mess Cas up. 

Pulling Cas’ hands away was one of the most painful things he had ever done. 

When he did, he met Cas’ eyes, his beautiful blue eyes, his heart sank.

He immediately knew Cas misunderstood why he was pulling away Cas’  hands

He looked so dejected, so sad. That’s why Cas and him can’t happen, he’s trying to protect Cas. 

He was about to tell him that when he saw the look on his face change. It was Cas’s mask, the one he wore when he first met Dean, the look pained Dean, he hadn’t seen that look in so long. Great Job, Dean. 

“ I apologize,  I misunderstood the situation” Cas said, his voice devoid of all emotion.

“ Cas, no wait-” 

But Cas was already gone. 

“ Please come back angel, I need you” Dean whispered to nothing.

Cas didn’t come back. 

 

Dean felt so alone. He messed up things with Cas, he messed up things with his brother. All Dean ever did was fuck things up, they didn’t need him, no one did.   But he was still too much of a coward to commit suicide, though the thought did now cross his mind on a daily basis. How nice it would be to just stop existing.

So now here he was, curled in on himself in his bed, he had barely got up to go to the bathroom, and barely ate once a day

Dean thought things would change when his brother got back, they didn’t. 

He still held onto the stupid hope that maybe his brother still cared enough to check up on him, get him to crawl his sorry ass outta bed, because Dean didn’t know if he could do it himself anymore. Obviously that didn’t happen.

When he went to sleep the night Sam got back, he had a dream, no- it was a memory.

“ Boy get your ass over here” John snapped at a ten year old Dean.

Dean didn’t want to, but he reluctantly followed his dad into the car. His dad was drunk, he shouldn’t be driving, Dean was old enough to know that, but when he tried to tell his dad, the man called him stupid again. 

Dean didn’t wanna be called stupid again, so he fell silent, and didn’t say anything about how they were swerving on the road every few seconds. 

They pulled into a big field off an abandoned road, this was the first of many times that Dean Winchester would  truly fear his father.

“You need to learn a lesson, boy” John state almost to calm, putting down his beer bottle. 

After that day, Dean would come to know that that was a bad sign, when his John put down his beer bottle.

“ Dad?” Dean asked, tears welling up in his eyes “ What did I do?”

John growled, slapping his own son so hard on the face he fell to the ground.

“ You look too much like her. Every goddamn time I look at your face I’m reminded of her” 

“ i’m sorry” Dean said, even though he didn’t know what he did

John laughed “ No you’re not” 

That was a very long night. 

When Dean limped in the hotel room the next morning, John had left him in the field and he had found his way back to the hotel room, a small Sammy came running up to him, worry in his eyes. “ What happened to you Dean?” Sammy asked, engulfing his brother into a hug. 

A single tear fell from Dean Winchester’s eye “ A monster got me Sammy” 

 

Dean woke up sweaty and panting, tears running down his face.

He needed to get up. 

He swung his legs out and tried to sit up, quickly realizing how dizzy he was. He eventually did sit, and stand up, though he would never admit how many times that really took. 

He pulled on a long-sleeved shirt, Sam didn’t need to see how weak Dean really was, though he probably knew. 

He stumbled out of his room, he was dizzy, probably because he barely ate or drank any water the whole week Sam was gone. 

When he got into the kitchen, Sam didn’t even bother to look up from his computer screen. 

That stung, but what did Dean expect? 

When Sam did look up, Dean was rummaging in the fridge, leaning over the fridge door because he barely had the strength to hold himself up.

“ Damn Dean, how drunk did you get while I was away?”

Dean sighed, that was a better explanation than the truth, that he had been laying in bed, he hadn’t eaten more than once a day, and the only thing he really did was cut himself again. 

So he shrugged, grabbing the things to make a sandwich, he gulped down a glass of water too, that made him feel a bit better, actually the best he had in the past week, which wasn’t saying much. 

Dean sat down at the table, picking at his sandwich. How could someone not eat so little for a week straight and still not be hungry? 

This time, Dean was paying attention when Cas dropped in. Dean met his eyes, pleading him for forgiveness.

Cas kept his mask firmly in place.

Dean dug his fingernail into one of his new cuts again. 

“ Hello Dean, Sam” 

“ Sup Cas” Of course he would greet Cas and not Dean, the message to Dean was clear as day. 

“ Hi Cas” Dean mumbled 

Sam looked surprised when Dean said that, usually he was the upbeat one, now he sounded sad, weak. But of course Sam shrugged it off.  

He just wanted someone to  _ see _ that he wasn’t fucking okay. But instead he forced himself to take a bite of his sandwich, grimacing.

Cas looked a little worried, now, Dean obviously wasn’t acting like himself.

Dean kept pleading with his eyes 

He needed to explain things to Cas, why he could never be with him. He would just fuck Cas up. Cas didn’t need his stupid ass, he would be a burden.

“ I found a case” Cas said “ That’s why I’m here” 

Dean grimaced, he wasn’t strong enough to handle a case, he couldn’t fight like this. 

Dean snickered to himself. Proving once again that Dean Winchester is useless.

“ What’s the case?” Sam asked. 

Dean tuned out most of it, apparently something about demons. 

He got up to throw his sandwich away, he had eaten half of it, good enough, right?

When he sat back down, Cas was looking at him curiously

“ What?” Dean asked 

“ Well it’s just you’re usually always hungry. Are you okay, Dean?” Cas asked

Dean couldn’t bring himself to lie, so he said nothing. 

They both looked surprised.

Dean shot up from the table, he couldn’t take their scrutinizing gazes any longer. But when he got up, he was hit with a dizzy spell. He steadied himself on the table.

He saw Cas get up to help him right before everything went black. 

 

“ Dean? Dean wake up” 

Dean was being gently shook, and he slowly blinked his eyes open.

Cas was staring down at him, sitting on the edge of his bed.

His bed? How did he get here again? 

“ Cas, what- what happened?”

“ You passed out Dean, why are you so malnourished?” 

Dean shook his head, he really didn’t want to talk about this with Cas. 

Actually he did, but Cas had better things to worry about than him.

“ Dean” Cas said softly “ Why haven't you eaten barely anything in the past week?”

Dean rolled his eyes “ How do you know? And anyway, why the fuck do you care, huh?” 

Dean was angry now. Cas had no right to pretend like he cared for Dean, Dean didn’t need his hopes up. 

“ Dean look at me” Cas said sternly

He shook his head

“ Dean,  _ Look at me”  _ That was no doubt a command

So Dean wearily met Cas’ eyes, who was looking at him like he was gonna smite him, and Dean would question later why he didn’t totally object to the idea, depending on the  _ type  _ of smiting that was gonna go on, if you know what I mean.

“ Dean, don’t  _ ever _ doubt that I care, you’re the one that told me once that family doesn’t end in blood” 

That was totally unfair, using Dean’s own words against him. 

When Dean didn’t say anything, Cas continued “ Now,  _ Answer my question”  _ Dean pushed back all dirty thoughts about that commanding voice, and slowly pushed himself up so he was sitting. Dean was so incredibly angry, so angry his hands were shaking, and he could almost feel angry tears forming in his eyes so he put his hands up in the air in mock surrender.

“ Of course, your highness” He sneered “ Since you’re just  _ so  _ great at emotional support. Wanna start a support group, braid Sam’s hair-” He was about to finish with his smartass remark when he met Cas’ eyes and realised all the anger from a moment ago had died out, and Dean followed his line of vision until he realized he was staring at his arms, that were still up in the air. His sleeves had fallen down to reveal the angry red cuts that lined his arms, the number of the had doubled since he last saw Cas, he had a few on his thighs too, but Cas would never see those.

He put his arms back down, and pulled his sleeves back up his arms. 

“ You weren't supposed to see that Cas” tears brimmed his eyes now, he wanted so badly to talk to Cas, but what would that solve?

“ Dean?” Cas asked, in almost a whisper “ Why have you been hurting yourself?”

And how the hell was Dean supposed to answer that question without barring his heart to Cas? 

So he didn’t answer, he opted to hang his head low in shame, trying to stop the tears that threatened his eyes.

Because Dean Winchester was weak, and now Cas saw just how weak he really was.

He barely even noticed the tears until he felt Cas’gentle hands wiping them away, and he cupped Dean’s face again so Dean would meet his eyes.

“ Dean, I know you don’t want me but-”

Dean couldn’t stand that look of utter hopelessness in his angel’s eyes, he had to explain himself to Cas

“ Cas, buddy, you’re wrong” 

Cas looked confused, but that look of broken hope in Cas’ eyes was so utterly heartbreaking, he knew he would end up barring his heart to Cas anyway.

“ But, that night, you-”

Dean nodded his head, “ I know what I did Cas” Dean really didn’t mean to say this, but once he started talking, he couldn’t stop. He started crying, his eyes were life waterfalls now, but he needed to say this to Cas “ I love you angel, have for a while now, but I don’t deserve you, you need someone better than me, someone who doesn’t cut themselves and stop eating. Someone who is good. Go, Cas, find someone better than me. Go be happy. I just want you to be happy”

It was the most painful thing Dean had ever said, and he couldn’t bear to watch him leave, so Dean turned away, sat on the other edge of the bed and waited for the tell-tale flap of wings to signal Cas’s departure. 

It never came. 

Instead he felt the the bed press behind him and warm, strong arms envelope him from behind.

It felt so nice to be in Cas’ arms. And he hated himself for it, but he let himself be pulled back against his chest.

He curled into Cas’ chest and balled like a child. Age old instincts forged into him by John told him to pull away and put on his big boy pants,  _ Don’t be a little bitch, boy. _

But Cas didn’t pull away, instead he pulled Dean closer into his chest and whispered praises about the  _ Righteous man  _ and all the amazing things he had done. 

Dean had never felt so loved, so cherished, since Mary, and that thought brought on a whole new wave of tears. 

It could have been five minutes or five hours, but Cas laid there holding Dean the whole time, running his fingers through Dean’s short spiky hair, never once stopping his constant whispering into Dean’s ear of the constant praises.

When Dean finally calmed down, he met Cas's eyes again. He shouldn't have done that, cried in front of Cas, he shouldn't have told him he loved him, he was a burden and that's all he ever would be. Of course he wanted Cas, but Cas needed,  _ deserved  _ someone better than Dean. All he was currently doing was inconveniencing the angel.

“ I'm sorry-” Dean started 

“ No, Dean you don't need to apologize, there's nothing to apologize for”

“ No, I'm wasting your time. Don't you have like angel stuff to do or something?” 

“ Dean, we’re family nothing is more important to me than you” 

Deans small chuckle was humorless

“ Cas I'm a lost cause. You don't need me-” 

Cas's voice was stern, but gentle at the same time “ Dean, of course I need you”

No, Cas was just saying that. Dean had laid in his bed and done  _ nothing  _ of use for the past week, no one needed him. So Dean stayed silent. 

After a few seconds of awkward silence, Cas met Dean's eye again “ Dean” he said more gentle this time “ I will always need you, I love you too” 

Cas loved him too? No, he couldn't be hearing him right, but as Dean met his eyes, he knew there was only truth there. 

 

XX

It took Dean 6 months to stop cutting completely. A year to get on a regular eating schedule again, and another month after that to smile with the light behind his eyes that had left him the day Sam decided he didn’t need Dean anymore. But Cas was there the whole time, every relapse where he sat in the tub crying for hours, blood from his arms and wrists swirling down the drain. He was there the day Sam left for good, going off on his own, still referring to Dean as a colleague, nothing more. Dean hadn’t left his bed for weeks after that. But it was Cas that was always there, always whispering into his ear. Telling him stories about the righteous man and how he saved the world. Telling him how good he was. Telling him he was loved, even when Dean didn’t believe it. 

Of course Cas had tried to reason with Sam, tried to get him to understand what he was doing to Dean. Dean had curled into himself that night, trying to block out the back-and-forth screaming. It didn’t work. 

But Dean had come to realise that maybe some of this was Sam’s fault. Maybe he wasn’t a waste of space, because if Cas could love him, maybe he could love himself, even though he wasn’t there yet, and maybe he never would be, but he’d get damn close. 

Three years had passed, and Dean was closer to being okay, he might even say happy. It still hurt sometimes, but he had Cas to pull him out.

It took Cas another week to propose, getting down on one knee, a small ring box, containing his grace in a small glass necklace instead of a ring. 

“ I want to grow old with you” Cas said.

Dean cried again, but for a totally different reason this time. 

So when Sam showed up at the bunker door one Saturday afternoon, tears in his eyes, finally realizing the mistake he made, he smiled, and found it in his heart to forgive, he missed his brother after all.

 

But it was at his wedding a few months later that he could safely say he was finally happy, no, ecstatic _.  _ It was small, and Dean walked down the aisle to Hey jude, smiling so much he thought his face might fall off. 

Not many people were there, but the ones that mattered were. 

And later that night, long after the wedding, he danced with Cas under the stars, finally, truly okay. 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this! Comments and kudos fuel my happiness and writing!


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